I Just I Cant Be Happy

There's a lot of things had happened till i felt like world was doing unfair toward me as i cant decide by myself, do what i love to do, be where ever i wanna be & many more. Whats life aite if u can't do what u wanna do and be happy?


I just dumb my own life. TQ :) TT

Am i on the right path or what? ...... ~

Ouh Nightmare.Com

Last night was a nightmare. Entah cemana boleh pulak gua termimpi macam tu. Yep, memang lah mimpi ini cuma mainan tidur saje. Tapi this nightmare buat gua terfikir sejenak. If ever lah, memang tak nak mimpi jadi kenyataan. Kalau mimpi indah tarak apa lah kan, tapi ini mimpi ngeri.. Woohooo... ngeri siot.. Tak nak lah gua. Mau tau ker story mory nyer gua punyer mimpi? Hehe. Tak ado lah ngeri sangat pun.. for sure memang bukan celita hantu yekkk..


The Nighmare begins...


Gua ada BFF, which means Best Friends Forever and do trust each other lah kalau dah jd BFF neh. Haa.. sape BFF gua tu? Jangan tanyalah.. gua pun tarak tau sape.. Even in real life pun gua tarak lah BFF2 neh. Haha.. Kawan memang ramai, geng bersepah but nak jadi a very very close friends I dont think so, sebab aper? Err.. adelah.. Episod lain gua cerita oke ;)


Haa.. nak menambahkan perisa story, gua jumpa si dia ni secara tak sengaja.. Macam terjumpa dekat jalanan, kenal2 and then jadi BFF.. Then we go through life ni macam biasa.. Susah senang sentiasa bersama. Yes, since kenal dgn BFF neh its like macam ruining my life. Bukan nak salahkan dia tapi macam takdir dah ditentukan macam tu.. So then i pun just accepted it like its part of my fate and life journey and believe maybe one day there is sunshine behind the dark cloud.


Macam panjang lah pulak nighmare neh.. Oke continue...


Sampai lah satu hari dia bagi aku drinks, gua pun tak sure what is it actually. Macam susu or maybe soya atau drinks lain kut.. Gua pun minumlah.. Ehmm.. sedap pulak tu, Haha! Then, da abes dia pun cakap "I'm sorry friends, and goodbye forever" Gua tanya balik, ''Lu apehal cakap macam tu" (Gaya macam nak lawan gusti. Haha) Then dia kata dia dah letak racun dalam gua punya drinks and then it will be gudbye forever and for all this while yang buat hidup gua tunggang dan terbalik because of racun2 dia. Terus gua sentap terjaga dari mimpi ngeri. Sumpah macam real mimpi gua neh. Terus gua jadi terisau teragu2 teragak2 adakah, maybe, mungkinkah yang selama ini err err.. adelah kan... err.. because of orang2 yang gua percaya, it could be friends, family, enemy? Erk.. gua tarak musuh ;p but, who knows rite? ever hear musuh dalam selimut? Nothing is impossible isn't it :)

P/s: Orang kata kadang2 mimpi boleh jadi penunjuk. Betul ke? Orang kata bukan gua yang kata oke ;p

Memori, Nostalgia, Dulu, Kini & Selamanya

Yes past is past. Sapa cakap past is present. Yer memanglah we can't returned back to the past. But why gua selalu cakap pasal benda lepas? Bagi gua the past is more important than the present. Why? Because without the past there is no present. Masa lalu lah yang membina masa depan and masa lalu jugalah yang mencorakkan masa depan kita. DO you ever think of it? Yes my past was not a beautiful enough and not a good story to tell to everyone. Cukuplah cuma gua sorang jer yang tahu the truth of my life. Oke, enought for that. Kang terlebih cerita pulak. Hehe.


Ever think about kalau tak ada masa lepas, tak kan ada nyer seperti mana kita pada masa sekarang. rite? So why nak kena forget all the past? Unless memang dah nyanyuk, for sure patut pun dia lupa kan.. Pahit, manis, buruk, masam piang nyer our past always realise that perkara2 itu pernah menjadi part of our life. So, kenapa nak buang semua tu? Seolah2 membuang sebahagian daripada kehidupan kita. Why not jadikan pengajaran yang boleh membina masa depan yang lebih bright. Improve ourself dengan jadikan masa lepas sebagai inspirasi dan pembakar semangat untuk menjadi sesorang yang lebih baik and have a better life ever.


Semua orang suka happy ending story rite? Sapa yang tak suka kan? If ade lah orang yang tak suka its confirm and approve lah mental dia dah terencat. Ever think tak kalau nak ada ending yang happy the beginning tu mestilah ada yang sad, hurt and pain part kan? Macam tu lah hidup kita. Macam pucuk yang pahit menghasilkan buah yang manis dan sedap isn't it. Pepatah Melayu pun ada cakap bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian. Ker korang nak bersenang-senang dahulu.. kalau cenggitu endingnya akan jadi bersusah-susah kemudian lah. Always remember senang pada awal nye tak berkekalan and its just for a second only tak macam senang2 kemudian it will last forever.


Memanglah, kalau terkenang2kan perkara2 lepas, masa silam , masa lampau, akan jadi tersedih, terkecewa dengan apa yang jadi, and if ever lah ade time machine nak jer balik ke masa lepas perbetulkan balik segala yang terkurang, tersenget, dan tersalah. Unfortunately, past is past and gua sedar no one could ever returned back to their past. Gua kini hanya mampu redha and terima ketentuan yang telah tertulis. And apa yang paling penting rite now. just teruskan hidup.. just live it to the fullest because life is too short so just enjoy it :)


P/s: Whylahh my past its like macam tu ;( tersedih terkecewa jugak memikirkannya.. Hwever, should thanks to Allah the Almighty because give me a much better life now :) Alhamdulillah.

Dear UUU

Saya tahu awak kecewa, sedih, and frust dengan saya. Maaflah saya terpaksa jadi selfish buat kali ini. I don't want pisang berbuah dua kali as sebelum ni saya pernah terlalu menjaga hati dan perasaan orang. Saya sanggup mengetepikan rasa hati dan perasaan sendiri, sanggup memendam rasa dan menyimpan luahan hati sendirian demi menjaga hati2 orang yang disayangi. Tetapi ada ker orang2 yang nak menjaga hati dan perasaan yang dalam diam ni terluka, bernanah dan terkoyak sendirian? Tak ade kan? Do you ever realise, tanpa sedar awak jugak seorang yang selfish? Sorry for saying that. But for me, its true. Tak tahulah kalau awak sedar ke tak...


Sorry again because before this its hard for me to say NO. Because nak menjaga hati dan perasaan awak saya sanggup berkata YES even hati tak rela and terpaksa. Why? Saya sendiri pun tak faham. Maybe keadaan dan situasi yang terlalu mendesak dan memaksa buat aku terpaksa dan terseksa dalam membuat keputusan. Saya tak suka didesak and pada masa yang sama saya tak sanggup buat awak berasa hati and terluka because of me. Now i realise, memang semuanya bermula dengan salah saya. A zillion of sorry dear. Tak tahu nak cakap macam mana lagi dah supaya awak faham dengan situasi ini and why i did all this.


Saya tahu awak tengah sakit sekarang. Saya tahu awak berharap sangat supaya saya disisi awak. Tapi kenapa awak pergi jauh sangat. Its possible for me to be beside you if you are near here. Tapi... awak faham kan? Cuma apa yang saya mampu buat, from far I always pray for your safety and hopefully you will get well soon.


Jika awak dah sembuh, hope we are still friends oke :) I don't want our relationship end like this. For me you are still the best friends ever to be. And tak kan sekali2 saya akan lupakan awak :)


P/s: My oldies2 Halo2 lah gua.. rindu nehhhhhh ^^

Life

Life isn't beautiful enough if u don't live it up. So, lets live the life to the fullest WATCHAAA.. if u want to have a sweatest and meaningful life. Yes, life is hurt, sumtimes.. but without the pain, fear and hurt that is not a real life and even you tak living the life pun if you tak lalui kepahitan di samping kemanisan hidup ini. A journey of life is like a journey with endless destination. Never ever set your mind we live for die. Hanya seorang LOSER sahaja berfikiran macam itu. Sometimes we fall, and patut ke kita hanya menunggu for another hand to help us to get up and move on? Its NO oke! Hanya and satu2 nya cuma diri kita sendiri sahaja which could help to get up and terus maju kedepan. Remember, jangan sekali kali menoleh kebelakang because we can't go back to the past unless we have a time machine. If I ever have that machine, for sure tak kan gua tulis entry neh lah. Oke lah, sekian buat kali ini, not too long and not too short but memang macam pendek jer.. Haha.. Lets, cawww cin cawww :)

I've try, but..., Trillions sorry dear ;(

Dear,

Sorry im not a good lover as i did before.
Sorry I cant spend so much time with u as I've being so busy.
Sorry my love not strong enough like as u love me.
Sorry I cant take care of u very well coz I'm so far from u.
Sorry if u felt like i dunt care much bout u.
Sorry I cant be ur gud n loyal companion every each time.
Sorry for making u sad.
Sorry for hurting u.
Sorry for broke ur heart.
Sorry I cant take it anymore.
Sorry for everything as there are so much sorry that i wanna say.
Sorry. Thats all i can say :'( nothing much i can do.

U such a good lover. & I wanna LOVE U. but I cant ;( i dont deserve for u. I try so hard before. & pretending that I'm so in luv wif u. But actually its only just not more dari perasaan suka & sayang. Rite now i belief theres no cinta from me for u. I lie to u while i trying to luv u. I fail to fall in love wif u =(( Once again, Im sorry...

I have a teribble life before which is nobody knows bout this, and the only one knows is my family but not all they know bout it :) & i have ever promise to myself to face it alone and wont tell it to anyone. The past leave me a big scar which i cant forget! Now, there are no more tears anymore. But tonite all that burst & hurt me again. & i cant keep it any longer. The time have come. & it burst. Everyhing juz hit on my head. and i cant think any. I'm hopeless. So, i'll let it go one by one....

I dont want u to be the victim of my past. So, i'll let u go first as i also cant love u sincerely :( Its better to hurt now than to be hurt later, coz i know it much more painfull..

I Love U. yes. but, the love only a love of a fren :) not more than that. Hope u'll understand :)

Take care dear. & Thx for everything :) & Hopefully u'll get a better life after this & get someone who can really love u, take care of u & make u happy ever after :D

With Love,
Redz....~

Sudah lah.. SUDAH!

I can't take it any more. Can I STOP! Please lah, aku dah tak tahan lagi nak tanggung semua ni. Give me some more spaces, so that, aku tak lemas and I can breath well. I need time for myself to think of, at least a second. Sebelum ini aku dah banyak berkorban, bukan saja dari segi harta benda tapi hati dan perasaan jugak :'( I'm not a robot. Nak kena jugak jaga hati perasaan sendiri. But, I CAN'T!!! Dek kerana terlalu menjaga hati dan perasaan orang lain, aku sampai terlupa nak jaga hati dan perasaan sendiri! All this while, I'm just pretending that I'm happy and feel enough with my life.. But the truth is its not. Its not like how u think bout me, its not like how u feel bout me :( My life if full with dilemma.. Aku serba salah antara aku dan kau, which one yg lebih penting? Of course la for others, the answer is ourself.. Tapi.. tapi.. kau buat aku serba salah and dalam banyak perkara tentang kita I can't be selfish.. U create the drama.. U trick me.. U make me how stupid I am! Hate it! I wasted my my time, I wasted my feel, I wasted a lot of things just for you. Dan sekarang ni, aku bukan nak mintak benda lepas yang dah berlalu, aku cuma nak u STOP all this. Make it fullstop and end its forever. Maybe gudbye will make it better :)

p/s: Bukan sekali tapi dah berkali-kali..

Its Part Of Life

I'll shut my mouth till ever :) And now i'll broke the promise.

Tika ini. Saat ini. Tetiba aku terkenang2. Menitik air mata TT. Tertacink pulak.... For sure, tak semua orang tahu apa yang pernah aku laluii rite? Even my family! Coz I'm very private & confidential person which means aku nie sangat2 lah perahsia. So, memember yang sangat close dengan aku tu mesti perasan, aku ni tak pernah ada masalah ker? Even one word, aku tak pernah mengadu ke sesapa. Its not about aku tak percaya orang. Tapi ntahlaa.. I do trust some people and of course i trust my family more than hundreds percent. Maybe aku ni jenis tak suka mengadu. Yes! Memang tak suka. And lagipun kalau boleh tak nak menyusahkan orang membebankan orang mendengar masalah2 aku apatah lagi nak tolong aku. Please dont! Aku tak sampai hati and tak sanggup nak menyusahkan orang lain because of me. Rasa bersalah kot! For me, the problem is mine, so akulah yang patutnyer settle kan sendiri. Sebelum ni, ada jugak aku pernah bagitau and my family also know sebab aku dah bagitahu yang aku neh tak suka bercerita masalah and hal peribadi. Maybe inilah sebabnya diorang risau pasal aku. Aku pernah did something really stupid sebab terlalu memendam rasa. Kerana nak menjaga hati dan perasaan orang, aku sampai terlupa nak jaga hati dan perasaan sendiri. Yeah, thats me. Sekarang aku dah sedar, what i did, I hurt myself. My secretive kill me inside. Kalaulah dulu aku tak perahsia sangat maybe I'll have a better life now :) tapi apa pun, must say syukur Alhamdulillah to Allah the Almighty because He gave me a chance to go through all this so that I'll realise!

Ku Sedih :(

Aku jugak ada hati. Macam kau, kau dan kau. Sebelum2 ni aku terlalu menjaga hati dan perasaan orang sampai aku sendiri lupa nak jaga hati sendiri sampai terkoyak rabak :( Hidup ini just for a moment. And i just want to live it to the fullest. Tapi.... aku tak mampu nak memuaskan hati-hati orang yang tak pernah nak puas hati dengan aku. Apa aku dah buat? Apa salah aku? I just can say sorry kalau aku ada terbuat silap salah. So sorry :( Diri aku tak boleh dibahagi-bahagi untuk nak puaskan hati semua pihak. So, for now just leave me alone. I just need friends. Not more than that.

Kencing itu style Oww

Huh. Hari ini pehal yek bosan gilerrr. Bosan tahap Otomen kame kame haa nak hantuk kepala kat dinding. Heh, punyelah bosankan. Sebab aku tak tahu nak bikin ape kan, so aku pun jenjalan lah ronda dalam Pesbuk.com. ngeh ngeh ngeh.. Sekodeng album si pakwek pakwek. Nak sekodeng album awek awek macam tak ade nafsu jer sebab aku kan GAY! HAHA.. Oke itu tak tipu. Saya gay, dan saya oke.. Sambil selak2 album diorang, sambil terkorek2 tahik lalat atas kepala aku neh (atas kepala aku memang ramai tahik lalat. HAHA.) heran betul aku. Sebab banyak gambar macam ni ha.. Sila sekodeng ke bawah. Err.. bukan bawah tu, tapi bawah neh ^^

Haa.. see see.. korang korang tak perasan ker? Kalau dulu si pakwek2 bising2 kecoh macam mak ayam hilang beby kalau si awek2 pulak trend tangkap gambar mesti nak kembung2 pipi lah, besar2 kan matalah, kunun nyer buat cumel macam alien (Fyi, aku tak ade lah gambar camneh, muka ku huduh piang kalau posing2 ala2 alien neh). Tapi kalau si pakwek neh tak sedar pulak suka sangat tangkap gambar kencing berdiri then snap dari belakang. Erk, ape motif? Buat ensem ker buat ape? ehm.. musykil.. musykil.. tapi tak nampak pun ensem nampak hancing adelah.. Haihhhh ~ Maybe sebab nak nampak style kot or maybe up to date punya trend. Ntahlah.. HAHA. Saya cewek so tak tahu pasal kencing berdiri. Tapikan, bukan ker tak elok kencing berdiri neh. Makruh rite? Ehmm.. whatever jelah :) zasssssss ~~~

p/s: Entry agak hancingg.. iyerkkkkkkkkkkk ~

18SX: Peminat ku

HAHA! One word, DAJEEE! erkk... relax red relax. Ape kes nih? hah ape kes? lu mau tau ka apa kes? Haa... meh sini rapat rapat wa mau celita satu celita. Ehemm.. hah tadi kan.. err.. isk sebenarnye camneh. Wa tetiba tadi boleh pulak terajin nak selak selak inbox wa. Pheww.. banyak betul! BERATUS! Memang style malas giler nak reply message dalam inbox neh, padahal kalau dapat comment dari sesaper laju jek jari turbo aku reply kann. Dalam tengah selak selak kain, eh eh, selak inbox lah! haa.. tetiba lak kan dapat satu mesej dari sorang peminat. Wawahh! Belum jadi artis lagi dah ada peminat, xtahu lah nanti kalau jadi artis berapa ramai lah pulak peminat kan kan.. Hepp.. Berangan pulak kau!! PERASAN! haha. Ehem.. sambung balik citer. Hah.. aku dapat mesej dari sorang mamat badigolsoot mana tah. Then, aku pun baca. Baca punye baca sambil meleleh hingus last sekali da abes baca terus terkuar statement 18SX aku. err nak tahu ke caner bunyi nyer? haa.. lebih kurang camni lah kott.. "BUGIMAK SIAL, TOLO nak kena goreng kot. HAHA." Sori yek memang wa ayat jenis tak ade penapis punyer. So sesape yang jenis penapis penapis neh sila tapis mata anda kalau nak baca entry ini :) Kalau nak tahu ape mesej mamat badigolsoot keparat tu sent meh meh scroll lagi ke bawah. Selamat membaca :)


"Assalamualaikum,
Hi darling
I just stumbled upon your page, it kinda interest me , I really think that you're such a nice and wonderful person, base on my first impression on youla . . . would love to know you more for the better judgement could be made . . .
Ok, my name is Faizal Sharil, asal Setiawangsa KL, 28 yrs old, still available if you have sum interest in me . I used to work with Petronas sebelum ni, quit my job in 2007 and currently continuing with my study in UK, have 3 more years to go. My area of specialisation is in Petroleum Economics.
If you want to know more boat me pls do not hesitate to ask, will be very happy to answer all your question.
Ok a bit more personal bout myself. as other normal guy I also luv sex. But i never have real sex (intercourse) since the last two years. The reason is, I use to have a gf before and just did it with her.
After that, i mean semenjak 2 tahun lepas just do ringan2 only.
but to be honest, I love ringan2 more than real sex. I dont know why. I also do like when woman lic my nipple, sound weird kan? , ade cam perempuan.
In only one session even without intercourse I could make my partner cum and climax for several times by just kissing, play with her breast and lick her clit. Sum time my partner says that the climax is more intense by licking the clit than straightly intercourse. U pun cam tuh ke??
I dont know why I love to satisfied people than asking people to satisfy my self, thats why I don't care if any gal that I be with do not want to do sex, I'm ok with it as long as I could really satisfy her.
How bout you darling. . . which one you prefer? real sex of just rngan2 by licking the clit, kissing and hugging without intercourse???
Sorry keluar tajuk. . .
ok la lastly, I would really luve 2 b ur fren.
pls reply to my msg k.
don't b afraid, I won't bite
I would really love 2 b ur fren and really2 want to know more bout you . . . so pls tell me, r u still studying? asal mana??
Do you have YM??? we can chat there
pls reply my msg k
regar"

Oke dah baca kan :) Sekian terima kaseyyyy ;p

P/s: BTW, aku da block dia ni kat FB n delete si sangap yang disperate tahab babi kampong hidung kembang dari friends list aku. Identiti dirahsiakan demi menjaga err err.. RAHSIA lah! Sebok! Bhahaha.. oke. sekian :)

Cuma permulaan...

Semalam adalah hari yang sama dengan hari2 aku yang lain. Hari ini baru aku sedar hidup ini penuh dengan harapan. Setiap hari aku akan sentiasa mengharap, itu dan ini. Tak kira apa pun, harapan cuma harapan, kenyataan tetap kenyataan. Tak semua harapan boleh menjadi kenyataan dan tak semua kenyataan adalah dari harapan kita. We can't judge this life. We can't take this life easily but differently. Setiap kehidupan sama saja tapi berbeza. Berbeza cara hidup dan penilaian. Life ini terbukti sama kerana permulaan dan pengakhirannya tetap sama. Setiap daripada kita tak mungkin dapat lari dari takdir ini. Dan kini aku sedang menerima takdir.. takdir kehilangan... Mengenali satu permulaan yang akan berakhir amat menyakitkan. Namun aku masih percaya, baik dan buruk, positif dan negatif, kebahagiaan dan kesedihan, pertemuan dan perpisahan, perkara2 ni silih berganti. So, life must go on. Aku akan tetap cosntant on for whatever happening. I'm still I am.